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Shell Shocked: I know an old lady

August 23, 2017
By Art Stevens , Island Reporter, Captiva Current, Sanibel-Captiva Islander

With full credit to the late Burl Ives:

I know an old lady who swallowed a pencil.

I don't know why she swallowed the pencil.

I guess she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a pencil sharpener

That wiggled and jiggled and tickled inside her

She swallowed the pencil sharpener to sharpen the pencil

I don't know why she swallowed the pencil

I guess she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed an IPod

How absurd to swallow an IPod

She swallowed the IPod to serenade the pencil sharpener that wiggled and jiggled and tickled inside her

She swallowed the pencil sharpener to sharpen the pencil

I don't know why she swallowed the pencil

I guess she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a Dell computer

Imagine that, to swallow a Dell computer

She swallowed the Dell computer to delete the IPod

She swallowed the IPod to serenade the pencil sharpener

That wiggled and jiggled and tickled inside her

She swallowed the pencil sharpener to sharpen the pencil

I don't know why she swallowed the pencil

I guess she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a microwave oven

My what a mouth she must have to swallow a microwave oven

She swallowed the microwave oven to catch the Dell computer

She swallowed the Dell computer to delete the IPod

She swallowed the Ipod to serenade the pencil sharpener

She swallowed the pencil sharpener to sharpen the pencil

That wiggled and jiggled and tickled inside her

I don't know why she swallowed the pencil

I guess she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a drone

She could have swallowed a bone but instead chose a drone

She swallowed the drone to catch the microwave oven

She swallowed the microwave oven to bake a pie

Wrong. She swallowed the microwave oven to open a restaurant.

Wrong again. She swallowed the microwave oven to wash her clothes.

She then swallowed a refrigerator to sharpen her pencil.

I'm losing it. She swallowed a refrigerator to sharpen the pencil which ate the chair.

I don't know why she swallowed a refrigerator.

Perhaps she'll gain weight.

The iPod played "That Old Black Magic."

The pencil sharpener ate the Dell computer.

The pencil lost its point.

Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who ate a 747.

She's dead of course.

She now hangs in the Smithsonian.

-Art Stevens is a long-time columnist for The Islander. His tongue-in-cheek humor is always offered with a smile.

 
 

 

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